By Dave Barry, Rodale Press, 1984, 0-87857-510-3

[p22] The only problem with disposable diapers is that they are starting to overflow the world’s refuse-disposal facilities; scientists now predict that if the present trend continues, by the year 1997 the entire planet will smell like the men’s room in a bar frequented by motorcycle gangs. But this is not really as serious as it sounds, because scientists also believe that several years before 1997 the polar ice caps are going to melt. Also, we could always have a nuclear war. So I would definitely go with the disposable diapers.

[p59] Baby’s First Solid Food […] We’re using the term “food” loosely here. What we’re talking about are those nine zillion little jars on the supermarket shelf with the smiling baby on the label and names like “Prunes with Mixed Leaks.” Babies hate this stuff. Who wouldn’t? It looks like frog waste.

Babies are people, too; they want to eat what you want to eat. They want cheeseburgers and beer. If we simply fed them normal diets, they’d eat like crazy. They’d weigh 150 pounds at the end of the first year. This is exactly why we don’t feed them normal diets: The last thing we need is a lot of 150-pound people with no control over their bowel movements. We have enough trouble with the Congress.

[p72] My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you’re supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a peroid of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.